I miss what I thought we were

By: Keyla H

Some days about once every month I get upset. I get upset about the past and what happened. I get upset that I was treated like that. I get upset why it happened to me. Why did she do that to me. Why didn’t she talk to me nicely. Why was I so naive. I don’t hate her but maybe I do, I don’t know. I felt betrayed and lonely and confused the whole time I was with her. But all I know is deep down inside me I still miss her and I don’t why I miss her but if she ever reads this I hope she feels some type of empathy and regret, even when she’s alone. 

One day in the 3rd grade I met her for the first time. It was just a slight chat nonetheless and she already had a close friend she’s known since forever. She did like to brag about being friends with others longer than me. My friends and I were playing a cursed game and apparently they had the resolution to the curse so we talked to them . I had never noticed this girl, only her friend who was also my friend too. She seemed a bit cranky for a first impression and quiet but I didn’t really care at the time.

On the first day of 4th grade I was scared. I was scared of being alone with no friends because  all my old friends were in different classes . Luckily I had this other friend at the time who told me to sit with them and there she was again, that same girl from my 3rd grade Saturday school class. We instantly connected all together and I made new friends too. She caught me off guard for the first time on April fools day. She told me that day “ Let’s ignore ____ and pretend we don’t know her “ and she laughed it off . I didn’t know what to say because I knew that was really mean except I didn’t want her to be mad at me or stop being friends with me because I was afraid of being mean to someone else. In the end I said ok but I still made a plan that I would secretly talk to her so she wouldn’t be hurt. At lunchtime I was scared of what might happen but then they both came up to me and said “ Me and ____ were also going to ignore you the whole day but we decided not to” and laughed in front of me. From that day on I immediately knew what kind of person she was but I never thought it was bad because I thought she was still a good person in my mind.

 McDonald trip in 4th grade

I treasured her deeply as a friend and we just had so much in common and I thought I had a close best friend ever until 7th grade happened. It was my first day back at school since quarantine and my first day of middle school.  Everything was new to me but I had the most amazing friends until I met a boy.  A boy I really liked and thought was cute. My love story is another long memory but on my birthday I decided to tell everyone about my crush and out of all my friends she didn’t sound as happy and supportive as I thought she would. I wished I had known what was going to happen and I  would’ve put her in her place. From the moment I started dating him she treated me like trash. A dog you can ignore and give silent treatment when they disobey. Every morning I talked to my boyfriend she got mad and stopped talking to me half of the day. I hate that I stopped saying hi to my boyfriend just so I could still talk to her. She even liked to make fun of him for who knows what. Worst part was that we were both in the same class and known as two smart best friends since we were practically two peas in a pod and she was my other half.

Every-time I wanted to talk about my boyfriend she would get mad and not support me. I guess she would from time to time but not as supportive as a real best friend would be. I always wanted to ask for advice about my relationship and what was right and wrong but she never ever helped me . She probably thought I was going to leave her for my boyfriend or at least my assumption which is understandable but I never treated her that way . At least I think I didn't because I know she would make some excuse saying I also treated her bad so she forgets the bad things she did. She also treated me very rudely and the others too. I don’t even know why or what her intentions were at all but she was just, a bit insane to me .

Summer of 2022 - I was with her my first time ever at playland

She judged anyone and everything no matter what. I judged with her too , that I’ll admit but sometimes they were just dumb excuses to judge someone . She also liked to point out your flaws. One day she pointed out my brows were uneven. I went home that day and plucked it until it was even enough. She also loved to argue. Me and her made it a joke saying we argue all the time but she always liked to take it to the next level and just be, plain offensive. I also tried to argue like her just so I wouldn’t be the only one hurt from her words .

Something bad happened around April of 2022 that twisted, crushed , and destroyed my world and life apart and deeply engraved my soul and heart. I told all my friends about it expecting them to help me and console me and make me feel better. I wish I had never told them. Especially her. 

Everyday was hell for me during lunch. I would get made fun of, laughed at, judged and called delusional. To this day hearing someone call me delusional or just hearing and seeing the word delusion hurts me a lot and chokes my throat and heart. Because the one person I thought would be there as my ride or die made school for me feel like a torture chamber that I had to endure for the rest of 7th grade. 

8th grade had a similar matter where if things didn’t go her way she would ignore my whole friend group and because she was the type of person to get mad if you treated her the same way she treated you then all of hell went loose. Since she saw no wrong in her actions it was like talking to a brick wall all the times. After around December things took a better turn for me and we graduated together too. We had a lot of fun times altogether, it wasn't always bad. 

I know this might be a bad thing to say but the day we got our high school choices back, I was glad she didn’t get into my school with the rest of my friends. I know it’s horrible. She even cried about it out of fear of probably being alone or whatever. But the reason why I was glad was because I knew, wherever I went or did or wanted to do I wouldn’t have someone on my left shoulder criticizing and judging me for 4 years .

Ironically the summer of 2023 she came to me talking about her new crushes. It made me laugh because she would get tired of hearing me talk about my boyfriend and get mad all the time and she was right walking next to me talking doing the exact same thing that made her mad at me. I felt a bit mad but I brushed it off because I know I’m better than that. I was a bit petty sometimes but I have my reasons. Even funnier was on our first days of high school we FaceTimed and got ready together and talked about what happened. I wouldn’t even say I talked about my experience since it was mostly her texting me about HER experience and whenever I wanted to talk about mine she ignored it and continued talking about her day. In present day I see her TikTok reposts sometimes talking about how middle school was also bad for her and how she hates someone and how kind and supportive she is as well as how badly treated she was too and it’s just so, Ironic.

Summer 2023 before high school

After those first few weeks I made the decision to not talk to her, so I silently cut her off in my life because I was tired of dealing with the same middle school stuff while being in high school already and I gave her so many chances all because I didn’t want to give her up as a friend. Now I just wanted to be a new person again. So everyday I talked to her less and less and less. Until we stopped talking or at least texting. We still talk once every 9 months at this point and we still follow each  other because I’m afraid If I tell her my true feelings she’ll get mad again and it’ll ruin our friend group since they’re all on good terms anyways and I’d just complicate things.I just don’t want to associate myself with a person like her, who won’t be there for me and acts like that towards people. One thing I think about is , was it worth it to be happy for awhile even though it ended bad or would it be better if it never happened. I’d tell you I think it was worth it because everything happens for a reason.

My life is better now obviously but sometimes I just think about her and the past and now I shrug it off. I think to myself “ Maybe she’s a better person now” because I always use to think she was my platonic soulmate, but I always remind myself there’s a reason we don’t talk much now, and even if she is a better person now and with her new friends it doesn’t mean that what she did in the past was ok. Maybe I never had the good friendship I wanted with her but the naive part of me was still holding onto that chance. 

I think her staying out of my life is for the better, and so the words “ I don’t want to be her friend anymore” came out of my mouth because she used to be my everything, to me at least, but I was tired of sticking up for her and tolerating her behavior because a true friend wouldn’t do that to me and I’ve learned my lesson and set boundaries since I’m no longer as naive and have self respect. Honestly I don’t care now, I’m probably a villain in her story too but it doesn’t matter, too bad, I regained a taste for life.